Thursday, July 8, 2010

180° SOUTH

I just finished watching 180° SOUTH.
It was like watching the part of me that is my hopes, dreams, and imagination separate from my body and than leave for six months to make this documentary. I mean this was it. This was the real. Watching this film brought me back to some of the best moments of my life. It was like I was standing on the edge of Bond Cliff or Mt. Zealand again, miles and miles away from the nearest road or other mark of civilization. It was like I was summitting Mt. Katahdin after four years of impatient waiting and anticipation.

Therein lies the problem. While I was remembering and reflecting upon this high points of my life, the people in 180° SOUTH were living them, day by day. They weren't just on a weekend section hike or on a quick two pitch climb. They were living with nothing but vague destinations and a concrete understanding of what makes life worth living.

I've teetered back and forth between the points of grasping and rejecting this concept. There have been days where I was more than ready to drop everything and go. Maybe I'd finally hike the AT, maybe I'd drive out to California. Who knows. People might say that these impulses are rash and irresponsible, but I argue that the only thing rash about it is that we have so many physical and temporary barriers that prevent us from doing it. We are used to lifestyles of comfort, of security, low risk living coupled with mediocre reward. I'll admit that I get pretty well settled into that as well... But everytime I hit the trail I get that itch again. I get that nagging at the back of my head that says "just go for it! What's stopping you? What is really stopping you?" Sooner or later I'm gonna start listening to that voice. Sure, sure, might as well get college out of the way first, but once that's done...

"The best journeys answer questions that in the beginning you didn't even think to ask."
- Jeff Johnson

Friday, July 2, 2010

Indifferent

We're halfway through summer, and it's turned out to be pretty much what I expected: A myriad of drinking, certain herbal drugs, and watching way too many bad movies.

It's not like I'm trying to be above any of that: believe me, I'm not. I have no problem doing it, for the most part. We engage recreationally once in a while and at the end of the day everything is totally fine. We're in good health, young, and we've got the world ahead of us. The world and all of it's opportunities is at our disposal. But maybe that's the problem.

I've got two sides pulling at me. Part of me, the more balanced and perhaps sane side, is content with this wait. It knows that waiting is what we have to do sometimes. Soon enough I'll have schoolwork, internships, paid positions, marching band, and a million other programs that I'll be climbing my way to the top in. The other half of me doesn't quite agree with this. It's impatient. It's the side that drives me to compulsively compose 3 hours of music without stop, paying perfect attention to detail and striving for perfection. It's the side that hates all the drinking and hates all the fun nights we have, not because of health reasons or regretful decisions, but because of the opportunity cost of the lost time that comes with it. Could I be working towards a more efficient goal here? What else could I be doing with my summer? I'm split between a triathlon training program, 1.5 hours a day of trumpet practice, and a decent paying job, which by all means should be more than enough. It's not that I need to fill the physical void that time seems to leave throughout the summer. It's that I need to be moving. I'm moving horizontally instead of vertically; moving, just not in the right direction. Of course, I'm not moving in the wrong direction either. We're all just moving, letting ourselves become one with the fast fleeting days of summer and rolling in and out with tides of time. I guess that's why I'm so sick of it. I want challenge. I want to be able to sit back at the end of the day and say "well, I made the best out of this day, and look where I am not" and then simply smile and relax. That's what I'll never understand about myself. After all, who ever thought that the biggest inhibitor could be freedom itself?