Indifferent

We're halfway through summer, and it's turned out to be pretty much what I expected: A myriad of drinking, certain herbal drugs, and watching way too many bad movies.

It's not like I'm trying to be above any of that: believe me, I'm not. I have no problem doing it, for the most part. We engage recreationally once in a while and at the end of the day everything is totally fine. We're in good health, young, and we've got the world ahead of us. The world and all of it's opportunities is at our disposal. But maybe that's the problem.

I've got two sides pulling at me. Part of me, the more balanced and perhaps sane side, is content with this wait. It knows that waiting is what we have to do sometimes. Soon enough I'll have schoolwork, internships, paid positions, marching band, and a million other programs that I'll be climbing my way to the top in. The other half of me doesn't quite agree with this. It's impatient. It's the side that drives me to compulsively compose 3 hours of music without stop, paying perfect attention to detail and striving for perfection. It's the side that hates all the drinking and hates all the fun nights we have, not because of health reasons or regretful decisions, but because of the opportunity cost of the lost time that comes with it. Could I be working towards a more efficient goal here? What else could I be doing with my summer? I'm split between a triathlon training program, 1.5 hours a day of trumpet practice, and a decent paying job, which by all means should be more than enough. It's not that I need to fill the physical void that time seems to leave throughout the summer. It's that I need to be moving. I'm moving horizontally instead of vertically; moving, just not in the right direction. Of course, I'm not moving in the wrong direction either. We're all just moving, letting ourselves become one with the fast fleeting days of summer and rolling in and out with tides of time. I guess that's why I'm so sick of it. I want challenge. I want to be able to sit back at the end of the day and say "well, I made the best out of this day, and look where I am not" and then simply smile and relax. That's what I'll never understand about myself. After all, who ever thought that the biggest inhibitor could be freedom itself?