Friday, March 26, 2010
Goodbye, Gettysburg.
It's become quite obvious that the past year has been the most unpredictable and messed up year of my life. Let's face it - It's been really fucked up. One of those vast stretches of time where momentum comes to a standstill, and you feel like your going nowhere. I mean, I get it, I really do. Gettysburg College was a bad call, there's no doubt about that, and I still to this day don't regret leaving (though I miss a few choice things, but that's a different entry I suppose). Where I went wrong, however, is in thinking that Gettysburg was the source, reason, and thus beginning and ending of all of my problems.
Not. Even. Close.
It took me a little while to realize it, but it seems that a good part of me has been unresponsive for the past 8 months. I used to believe in things, and I used to find purpose in everything. I was an optimist, an outdoor enthusiast, a musician, you name it, I probably loved doing it. Hell, I loved doing everything, it didn't even matter what it was! So what happened? I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. It was a slow process of degradation, and and it certainly didn't happen over night. I'd say it took until about the middle of last October for things to start going haywire at Gettysburg. The new friendships and connections I had formed with people started unraveling. The people I met there didn't meet me. They met a shell of who I once was, someone who filled himself with bullshit instead of substance. I spent so much time talking about myself, saying all these things to get people to like me. All the crazy places I've been, all the awesome times I've had with my friends back home. I so desperately wanted people to like me, it became unreasonable. I'd get in everyone's face, taking an intrusive "here I am!" approach to meeting people. No wonder I never connected with anyone there! I had this imagine in my head about what college would be, and by God I stuck to that vision. I somehow lost track of the concept that the people I was meeting were just people, and that it didn't take anything more than me being myself to get them to like me.
Right from the beginning I was lying. I lied about what I did, my past, my interests, what I've done. I made up stories about "how I almost died snowboarding" or some other extreme adventure that I, in my fucked up state of mind, thought would get people to go "that kids cool, let's talk to him!". Who the fuck does that? I acted elitist around everyone I met with my music, trying to come off as all cool because of my odd tastes in music, acting like I was so much better than them. Hell, even orientation! Does anyone even remember that? Because I sure do! The first nights there were full of people getting together to go out, and I always found excuses not to go with them. It could be "my audition", "studying", or anything, who knows, but I always found a reason. Why didn't I just go with them? What was it about these new experiences that was so terrifying to me? I told myself that I could make friends, but it would have to be on my own terms, in my own environment. That went even worse. During my Ascent trip (pre-orientation backpacking trip) I did a 6 day backpacking trek with some very cool people, but I didn't even allow them to get to know who I really was. From the very beginning I turned myself into someone new, full of pretentious bullshit and a whole lot of lies. I made up drinking stories to share because I thought they were cool. I acted like I was the expert on everything out there, and completely forgot the meaning of humility. Looking back, I simply can't comprehend how misguided my motives were. I joined everything I could there - Ultimate Frisbee, Film Club, SDS, etc. I even got hired to work staff at their outing club (GRAB). One horrible reaction after another, and I was the catalyst starting it all. Every single time. I want to go back and warn myself, tell myself just to be cool and meet people, to go with whatever was happening and be myself. That would have been to easy I guess. Instead of hid from people, talking about how studying was my life and getting elitist with my grades, with my studies, with my music, everything! What the fuck was wrong with me! Of course, now I can recognize that there were potential problems in the making there, but back then, that's what I thought I was supposed to be doing. I was tasting the brunt of my own falsified life, and it felt awful. I started to dig myself into a state of permanent reserve, staying emotionally distant from everyone I knew (which was just as bad as completely opening up my life to people in the first 5 minutes of meeting people). I wore the same sweatshirt and jeans everyday, ran on a consistent 3 hours of sleep, and just generally stopped trying to take care of myself. I had forgotten who I was. People would reach out to me, and I would find reasons not to go party with them, or just go and do anything with people. There was always homework to be doing or music to be playing. Fuck, I'd lock myself in a practice room on a Saturday night and play till 3 in the morning while everyone else went out and lived their lives! Towards the end I started getting scared, and I avoided everyone. I'd pass people that I was once somewhat close with walking back from servo (the dining hall), and I'd pull out my phone to pretend I was texting or talking to someone, just so I could avoid the forced "hey, how are you doing" that I hated so much. I was scared of growing up, scared of being myself, and I was by this point convinced that there was nothing I could do to stop everybody at the college from absolutely hating me.
I did this to myself, didn't I?
This whole disaster was a product of my lack of preparedness for the real world, and the consequences hit hard. They really hit hard. I would lock myself away from my room and study for 10, 12, 14 hours at a time with a few breaks for food. I started getting bouts of anxiety, My breathing would get uneven, and I'd lose my grip on everything. I couldn't focus on studying, on music, on reading a book or watching a movie. I'd lost my grip on anything. I didn't remember who I was, and I certainly had no clue who I was supposed to be. There was so much bullshit in my life, I don't even know how I'd deal with it! I'd avoid people at all meals, eating myself as much as possible! I suppose it was a mix of different things, but mainly because I no longer had the cognitive ability to hold a normal conversation and meet with new people. That, and because I think I wanted people to feel bad for me. How fucked up is that? I was trying to cast myself as the victim when I did (almost) everything to myself. I'd wear my headphones at all times, going days at a time without saying anything to anyone, anywhere. My journal writings became dark, depressing, and empty of any hope for happier times. This is all coming from a kid who used to love everything. I used to love meeting new people, and it was one of my favorite things to do! It came so easy to me before Gettysburg! I could make people laugh, make people like me, feel comfortable around people and learn a lot about them as well. Then I went to college, and suddenly I didn't think that I was good enough. My height, my weight, my personality, my entire life was not good enough for anyone, or so I thought. I used to be a person who was liked to chill all the time, but there was nothing chill about the past two semesters. Nothing at all.
I don't even know what to say to all the people I left. I treated some of the nicest people I've met like total shit, and I've been lying about it ever since. I blamed everything on Gettysburg without ever stopping to consider why things went like that, and that resulted in this semester being worse off than the last one. I got hooked on the working out/extreme diet thing to a point where I feared (and still sort of fear) eating that wasn't absolutely healthy for me. I lamented my inability to get a job (even though the rational part of me understands economics and how it is difficult for everyone), lost focus in my goals and directions, and came to a stand still. After 13 years of school and pushing forward, I finally stopped. I suppose I'd call that as close to rock bottom as you could get for this type of problem. I couldn't think about anything outside of my little sphere of existence. I've been so completely fucked up over the past few months. It's not me! I'm not me! I couldn't sleep, eat, sulk, think, read, or do anything! I felt anger for the loss of who I once was, and I constantly lamented who I was. Even basic social skills...they were just gone! I, for a time, developed a legitimate fear of talking to people and a self imposed inability to meet new people. Yes, this is coming from the same guy that used to have the giant afro and run up and greet random strangers.
That was the worst it got. Things aren't great still, but I'm building myself up again. Everyday is different. Some days I'll feel shards of optimism again, and others will just be plain awful. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm going back to therapy at the end of the month to try to get some help with sorting out my problems, and I'm really going to give that my all. I'm going to be honest, for once in my life, with everything that's happened to me. I'm going to do this because I want my life back. I want my confidence, my love of life, my creativity, and even my normal emotions back. I'm going to work hard at stop blaming things for my fear, and start facing the real world. It's been a pretty awful semester, there's no doubt about that, but perhaps I needed it. Maybe this is what I needed to finally rebuild myself, because like I said, the problems I've been dealing with were far worse than just Gettysburg. My whole outlook on life had become twisted, and I want to fix that. My hopes are that by the time I'm at uconn next fall, I'll be able to do College again, and do it the right way.
Lastly - to everyone I left, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't think I'll ever be able to express how awful I feel for how I misrepresented myself there, and how much of a total asshole I was. All I have to offer is my word, but I assure you that that wasn't me. To all the people I still remember - , Mia, Jess, Phellix, JT, Justin, Rachel, Dave, Linnea, Chris, Frank, Ryan, Carter, Emily, Tom, Rachel (the one on my hall), Christina, other Mia, Sarah, everyone in GRAB, and especially Kat and Amanda. Good luck with everything. I really don't even know what I have to say for myself, except that I wish I could have met you all when I was myself, and I'm a bit embarrassed for who I was while I was there. Instability mixed with immaturity and create a lot of bad things. I regret barely knowing some of you, but I'm fortunate that I was able to learn a lot from all of you. If not for Amanda dragging me out to go running, I wouldn't be where I am now, 30 lbs lighter and training for my first Triathlon. Phellix, you helped me realize what I really want to do musically in my life, and what really felt right. You probably don't remember it, but we were sitting in your room, and you asked me what I needed lessons and classes to teach me how to express myself. That was what got me started on really thinking about where I stand as a musician, and I certainly think I'm headed towards a better place. Christina, without you I probably wouldn't have started really reflecting on where I am in my life, and I probably wouldn't be where I am now, finally getting help for my issues and getting ready to revamp myself for next year as a new individual and finally do college the right way. There are plenty more stories like that, and I'm just trying to say that I won't forget you guys, though I don't really expect you all to remember me. I fully understand. As far as assholes go, I was pretty high up there. Perhaps if things were different this would have gone better, and I would have been less extreme in...well, everything, but it's in the past. What's happened is what's happened, and that's it. There's nothing more or less to it. I suspect that part of this process of repair is coming to terms with myself before I try and change myself again, and though it'll be difficult, I feel like having written this will make a big difference in the weeks to come. I've kept all of this bottled up inside of me for months now, and it's time to get it all out. I'm freeing myself from all the lies that I've concocted, and I'm done blaming Gettysburg for everything. I'm done complaining and wishing that my life had worked out differently up to this point. I'm done wishing that I was where my friends are, off enjoying college and making something of themselves. It's all done. Over. Past. From here on out, I'm restarting myself in pretty much every way possible. I'm going to stabilize myself and start all over again, with a more honest outlook and optimistic hopes for the future. I wish all of you the very best in everything you do, and I hope that life, in all of it's turbulent occurrences, treats you well.
Time to find myself again.
Not. Even. Close.
It took me a little while to realize it, but it seems that a good part of me has been unresponsive for the past 8 months. I used to believe in things, and I used to find purpose in everything. I was an optimist, an outdoor enthusiast, a musician, you name it, I probably loved doing it. Hell, I loved doing everything, it didn't even matter what it was! So what happened? I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. It was a slow process of degradation, and and it certainly didn't happen over night. I'd say it took until about the middle of last October for things to start going haywire at Gettysburg. The new friendships and connections I had formed with people started unraveling. The people I met there didn't meet me. They met a shell of who I once was, someone who filled himself with bullshit instead of substance. I spent so much time talking about myself, saying all these things to get people to like me. All the crazy places I've been, all the awesome times I've had with my friends back home. I so desperately wanted people to like me, it became unreasonable. I'd get in everyone's face, taking an intrusive "here I am!" approach to meeting people. No wonder I never connected with anyone there! I had this imagine in my head about what college would be, and by God I stuck to that vision. I somehow lost track of the concept that the people I was meeting were just people, and that it didn't take anything more than me being myself to get them to like me.
Right from the beginning I was lying. I lied about what I did, my past, my interests, what I've done. I made up stories about "how I almost died snowboarding" or some other extreme adventure that I, in my fucked up state of mind, thought would get people to go "that kids cool, let's talk to him!". Who the fuck does that? I acted elitist around everyone I met with my music, trying to come off as all cool because of my odd tastes in music, acting like I was so much better than them. Hell, even orientation! Does anyone even remember that? Because I sure do! The first nights there were full of people getting together to go out, and I always found excuses not to go with them. It could be "my audition", "studying", or anything, who knows, but I always found a reason. Why didn't I just go with them? What was it about these new experiences that was so terrifying to me? I told myself that I could make friends, but it would have to be on my own terms, in my own environment. That went even worse. During my Ascent trip (pre-orientation backpacking trip) I did a 6 day backpacking trek with some very cool people, but I didn't even allow them to get to know who I really was. From the very beginning I turned myself into someone new, full of pretentious bullshit and a whole lot of lies. I made up drinking stories to share because I thought they were cool. I acted like I was the expert on everything out there, and completely forgot the meaning of humility. Looking back, I simply can't comprehend how misguided my motives were. I joined everything I could there - Ultimate Frisbee, Film Club, SDS, etc. I even got hired to work staff at their outing club (GRAB). One horrible reaction after another, and I was the catalyst starting it all. Every single time. I want to go back and warn myself, tell myself just to be cool and meet people, to go with whatever was happening and be myself. That would have been to easy I guess. Instead of hid from people, talking about how studying was my life and getting elitist with my grades, with my studies, with my music, everything! What the fuck was wrong with me! Of course, now I can recognize that there were potential problems in the making there, but back then, that's what I thought I was supposed to be doing. I was tasting the brunt of my own falsified life, and it felt awful. I started to dig myself into a state of permanent reserve, staying emotionally distant from everyone I knew (which was just as bad as completely opening up my life to people in the first 5 minutes of meeting people). I wore the same sweatshirt and jeans everyday, ran on a consistent 3 hours of sleep, and just generally stopped trying to take care of myself. I had forgotten who I was. People would reach out to me, and I would find reasons not to go party with them, or just go and do anything with people. There was always homework to be doing or music to be playing. Fuck, I'd lock myself in a practice room on a Saturday night and play till 3 in the morning while everyone else went out and lived their lives! Towards the end I started getting scared, and I avoided everyone. I'd pass people that I was once somewhat close with walking back from servo (the dining hall), and I'd pull out my phone to pretend I was texting or talking to someone, just so I could avoid the forced "hey, how are you doing" that I hated so much. I was scared of growing up, scared of being myself, and I was by this point convinced that there was nothing I could do to stop everybody at the college from absolutely hating me.
I did this to myself, didn't I?
This whole disaster was a product of my lack of preparedness for the real world, and the consequences hit hard. They really hit hard. I would lock myself away from my room and study for 10, 12, 14 hours at a time with a few breaks for food. I started getting bouts of anxiety, My breathing would get uneven, and I'd lose my grip on everything. I couldn't focus on studying, on music, on reading a book or watching a movie. I'd lost my grip on anything. I didn't remember who I was, and I certainly had no clue who I was supposed to be. There was so much bullshit in my life, I don't even know how I'd deal with it! I'd avoid people at all meals, eating myself as much as possible! I suppose it was a mix of different things, but mainly because I no longer had the cognitive ability to hold a normal conversation and meet with new people. That, and because I think I wanted people to feel bad for me. How fucked up is that? I was trying to cast myself as the victim when I did (almost) everything to myself. I'd wear my headphones at all times, going days at a time without saying anything to anyone, anywhere. My journal writings became dark, depressing, and empty of any hope for happier times. This is all coming from a kid who used to love everything. I used to love meeting new people, and it was one of my favorite things to do! It came so easy to me before Gettysburg! I could make people laugh, make people like me, feel comfortable around people and learn a lot about them as well. Then I went to college, and suddenly I didn't think that I was good enough. My height, my weight, my personality, my entire life was not good enough for anyone, or so I thought. I used to be a person who was liked to chill all the time, but there was nothing chill about the past two semesters. Nothing at all.
I don't even know what to say to all the people I left. I treated some of the nicest people I've met like total shit, and I've been lying about it ever since. I blamed everything on Gettysburg without ever stopping to consider why things went like that, and that resulted in this semester being worse off than the last one. I got hooked on the working out/extreme diet thing to a point where I feared (and still sort of fear) eating that wasn't absolutely healthy for me. I lamented my inability to get a job (even though the rational part of me understands economics and how it is difficult for everyone), lost focus in my goals and directions, and came to a stand still. After 13 years of school and pushing forward, I finally stopped. I suppose I'd call that as close to rock bottom as you could get for this type of problem. I couldn't think about anything outside of my little sphere of existence. I've been so completely fucked up over the past few months. It's not me! I'm not me! I couldn't sleep, eat, sulk, think, read, or do anything! I felt anger for the loss of who I once was, and I constantly lamented who I was. Even basic social skills...they were just gone! I, for a time, developed a legitimate fear of talking to people and a self imposed inability to meet new people. Yes, this is coming from the same guy that used to have the giant afro and run up and greet random strangers.
That was the worst it got. Things aren't great still, but I'm building myself up again. Everyday is different. Some days I'll feel shards of optimism again, and others will just be plain awful. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm going back to therapy at the end of the month to try to get some help with sorting out my problems, and I'm really going to give that my all. I'm going to be honest, for once in my life, with everything that's happened to me. I'm going to do this because I want my life back. I want my confidence, my love of life, my creativity, and even my normal emotions back. I'm going to work hard at stop blaming things for my fear, and start facing the real world. It's been a pretty awful semester, there's no doubt about that, but perhaps I needed it. Maybe this is what I needed to finally rebuild myself, because like I said, the problems I've been dealing with were far worse than just Gettysburg. My whole outlook on life had become twisted, and I want to fix that. My hopes are that by the time I'm at uconn next fall, I'll be able to do College again, and do it the right way.
Lastly - to everyone I left, I'm sorry. I really am. I don't think I'll ever be able to express how awful I feel for how I misrepresented myself there, and how much of a total asshole I was. All I have to offer is my word, but I assure you that that wasn't me. To all the people I still remember - , Mia, Jess, Phellix, JT, Justin, Rachel, Dave, Linnea, Chris, Frank, Ryan, Carter, Emily, Tom, Rachel (the one on my hall), Christina, other Mia, Sarah, everyone in GRAB, and especially Kat and Amanda. Good luck with everything. I really don't even know what I have to say for myself, except that I wish I could have met you all when I was myself, and I'm a bit embarrassed for who I was while I was there. Instability mixed with immaturity and create a lot of bad things. I regret barely knowing some of you, but I'm fortunate that I was able to learn a lot from all of you. If not for Amanda dragging me out to go running, I wouldn't be where I am now, 30 lbs lighter and training for my first Triathlon. Phellix, you helped me realize what I really want to do musically in my life, and what really felt right. You probably don't remember it, but we were sitting in your room, and you asked me what I needed lessons and classes to teach me how to express myself. That was what got me started on really thinking about where I stand as a musician, and I certainly think I'm headed towards a better place. Christina, without you I probably wouldn't have started really reflecting on where I am in my life, and I probably wouldn't be where I am now, finally getting help for my issues and getting ready to revamp myself for next year as a new individual and finally do college the right way. There are plenty more stories like that, and I'm just trying to say that I won't forget you guys, though I don't really expect you all to remember me. I fully understand. As far as assholes go, I was pretty high up there. Perhaps if things were different this would have gone better, and I would have been less extreme in...well, everything, but it's in the past. What's happened is what's happened, and that's it. There's nothing more or less to it. I suspect that part of this process of repair is coming to terms with myself before I try and change myself again, and though it'll be difficult, I feel like having written this will make a big difference in the weeks to come. I've kept all of this bottled up inside of me for months now, and it's time to get it all out. I'm freeing myself from all the lies that I've concocted, and I'm done blaming Gettysburg for everything. I'm done complaining and wishing that my life had worked out differently up to this point. I'm done wishing that I was where my friends are, off enjoying college and making something of themselves. It's all done. Over. Past. From here on out, I'm restarting myself in pretty much every way possible. I'm going to stabilize myself and start all over again, with a more honest outlook and optimistic hopes for the future. I wish all of you the very best in everything you do, and I hope that life, in all of it's turbulent occurrences, treats you well.
Time to find myself again.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
HillyH
HlllyH by The Mae Shi
February 2008
Track Listing:
- "Lamb and the Lion" - 2:24
- "PWND" - 2:48
- "Boys in the Attic" - 1:24
- "7 x x 7" - 2:02
- "The Melody" - 2:28
- "Leech and Locust" - 2:45
- "Run to Your Grave" - 3:53
- "Kingdom Come" - 11:37
- "I Get (Almost) Everything I Want" - 3:43
- "Party Politics" - 2:14
- "Young Marks" - 2:05
- "Book of Numbers" - 1:55
- "HLLLYH" - 4:56
- "Divine Harvest" - 2:14
This is one of those albums that my future soul mate needs to like. It's a sporadic, fast paced collection of songs that will take several times to get used to, but trust me, keep going with it. I hated this album when I first picked it up, I really did. This was long before I really started getting into any sort of experimental music, and I was confused by the lack of direction the songs had and the odd structures. Some of you might get the same feelings, and for that I will say: welcome to the winning team. Several of the songs jump quickly from clashing dissonant instrumental features to kickass vocal breakdowns ("PWND" and "Lamb and the Lion" specifically) and they always do an incredible job with the instrumentation. Seriously, I wish I could trade vocal chords with Ezra Buchla. It wouldgive me a reason to be way more awesome then I currently am at this point in time. Anyway the album is reminiscent of "Terrorbird", except a lot cleaner and a lot more logical (still not the biggest fan of that one actually). The fast paced electronic sampling mixed with the guitar work makes for some really catchy tunes, which are only perfected by the addicting choruses added in after ("I get (almost) everything I want" and "Run to your grave"). Like I said before - I've tried getting some of my friends to pick this one up, and none of my attempts have been successful. It's definitely an acquired taste...but it's one that you should work on acquiring as soon as possible. Seriously. It's frantic, hyper, chaotic, and one of fun as hell.
Yargh, trendy concert ahoy!
Now the bad news - The Mae Shi partially disbanded a few months ago. Grays and Cooper left to go form a new band called "circles". I haven't heard anything from them yet, but I'm going to be on the look out for something in the future. Hopefully it'll have some of the Mae Shi vibe that I will miss so very much. But in the mean time - check out the album! Let me know what you think!
Purpose
I can just vaguely remember the lull and artificial period of my life where I spent far too much time wearing my heart on my sleeve, and subsequently blogging it everywhere I possibly could. Come on, someone's gotta remember going through that period, right? I've grown up considerably since than (as has everyone), and that is NOT what this blog will be...or so I hope. I'm quite sure that I've done enough of that to last a lifetime already...
Anyway, I haven't quite decided what I want to do with this one, but I figure that I'll actually keep it this time, considering that I have a laptop and spend way too much time on it. There's several different things I want to do with this, the important things being:
A music blog (no, I'm not posting links, find your own sources)
A political/me commentary blog
Random lost pop culture/personal blog
...Annndddd perhaps a touch of my being bitchy and overly personal. Because we all know that I'm known to do that. I'll try to keep that aspect of it to a dull roar though. We'll see how that goes...
Anyway, that's it. Hopefully this one will last longer than the 2 weeks that my attention span usually allows for, in which case I'll make it public. Until then...
- Connor
Anyway, I haven't quite decided what I want to do with this one, but I figure that I'll actually keep it this time, considering that I have a laptop and spend way too much time on it. There's several different things I want to do with this, the important things being:
A music blog (no, I'm not posting links, find your own sources)
A political/me commentary blog
Random lost pop culture/personal blog
...Annndddd perhaps a touch of my being bitchy and overly personal. Because we all know that I'm known to do that. I'll try to keep that aspect of it to a dull roar though. We'll see how that goes...
Anyway, that's it. Hopefully this one will last longer than the 2 weeks that my attention span usually allows for, in which case I'll make it public. Until then...
- Connor
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
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