I have the strangest problems. I've never struggled with drugs, alcohol, eating, etc. But you know what I can't get out of my head? Grades. Seriously, I have these absurd standards that probably won't even end up helping me. It's 4.0 or bust, and I mean that. Some people compete in Athletics, others compete in Music.. I get wrapped up in the ego trip i get from getting better grades than other people and working harder than them. I know. That makes me an asshole. Someone once told me that it's only because I'm trying to prove to people that I'm ok because I think that I'm not. I suppose he was probably right, but it doesn't exactly solve this. Maybe it's because I have no real concept of what grades it takes to get into law school, or what sort of work is required to get these grades at uconn. I don't really know. All I know is that I can't wait (academically at least) for 1st semester to end, so I have a better idea of how I function as a student. Because right now I'm still doing that whole library-from-7pm-to-2am thing.
I know, I've been writing about really boring shit lately. I suppose thats because life has literally consisted of marching band and schoolwork since I moved in. Next weekend (the one with the 18th I mean) is completely free though!
- Connor
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sometimes
I think I'm bi-polar. Not in the "upset-happy-upset-happy-eat 10 cheeseburgers way", but in the "I can't really focus on a single objective" way. Maybe that's ADHD? Or some other condition that I obviously don't have but like to pretend I do to justify my horrible attention span? I read through what I wrote last night and I don't think I could get in that mood again if I tried. I love how things jump around so much. Last night I wanted to change the world, right now I just want to change my clothes and watch a movie.
That last sentence represents the single greatest facet of humanity.
That last sentence represents the single greatest facet of humanity.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Why I wish I was like doctor house.
You know what would be totally sweet? If we all had the power to turn into Dr. House whenever we wanted to. It wouldn't have to be for medicine persay, but rather a quick transformation that changed us from relaxed and careless to a quirky, detail coveting genius who was really really really really good at whatever they were doing. I know it's lame (but isn't everything?) but sometimes I get like that when I'm studying. Seriously, you should try it. I set myself up in a way to allow myself to get completely enveloped by my work, to a point where I synchronize all of my thoughts with it and just get in the fucking zone. Most of you will think I'm crazy, but those of you who've been where I've been know how cool it is to be the Micheal Jordan of writing history papers. You'll spend hours coming up with nothing and then WHOA! Perfect argument after perfect argument seems to flow from your pencil as if you're doing nothing. As someone who enjoys (to a certain degree, let's be realistic here) schoolwork, I try to get in that zone as much as possible. After all, I didn't sign my entire extended family up for a lifetime of college debt just to come here to party and chill all day.
That part's just extra.
That part's just extra.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Something different.
Ten months of worrying whether or not this transition would be worth it was all but answered in 10 minutes.
Let's do this, Uconn. Glad to be here at last.
Let's do this, Uconn. Glad to be here at last.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
180° SOUTH
I just finished watching 180° SOUTH. 
It was like watching the part of me that is my hopes, dreams, and imagination separate from my body and than leave for six months to make this documentary. I mean this was it. This was the real. Watching this film brought me back to some of the best moments of my life. It was like I was standing on the edge of Bond Cliff or Mt. Zealand again, miles and miles away from the nearest road or other mark of civilization. It was like I was summitting Mt. Katahdin after four years of impatient waiting and anticipation.
Therein lies the problem. While I was remembering and reflecting upon this high points of my life, the people in 180° SOUTH were living them, day by day. They weren't just on a weekend section hike or on a quick two pitch climb. They were living with nothing but vague destinations and a concrete understanding of what makes life worth living.
I've teetered back and forth between the points of grasping and rejecting this concept. There have been days where I was more than ready to drop everything and go. Maybe I'd finally hike the AT, maybe I'd drive out to California. Who knows. People might say that these impulses are rash and irresponsible, but I argue that the only thing rash about it is that we have so many physical and temporary barriers that prevent us from doing it. We are used to lifestyles of comfort, of security, low risk living coupled with mediocre reward. I'll admit that I get pretty well settled into that as well... But everytime I hit the trail I get that itch again. I get that nagging at the back of my head that says "just go for it! What's stopping you? What is really stopping you?" Sooner or later I'm gonna start listening to that voice. Sure, sure, might as well get college out of the way first, but once that's done...
"The best journeys answer questions that in the beginning you didn't even think to ask."
- Jeff Johnson
It was like watching the part of me that is my hopes, dreams, and imagination separate from my body and than leave for six months to make this documentary. I mean this was it. This was the real. Watching this film brought me back to some of the best moments of my life. It was like I was standing on the edge of Bond Cliff or Mt. Zealand again, miles and miles away from the nearest road or other mark of civilization. It was like I was summitting Mt. Katahdin after four years of impatient waiting and anticipation.
Therein lies the problem. While I was remembering and reflecting upon this high points of my life, the people in 180° SOUTH were living them, day by day. They weren't just on a weekend section hike or on a quick two pitch climb. They were living with nothing but vague destinations and a concrete understanding of what makes life worth living.
I've teetered back and forth between the points of grasping and rejecting this concept. There have been days where I was more than ready to drop everything and go. Maybe I'd finally hike the AT, maybe I'd drive out to California. Who knows. People might say that these impulses are rash and irresponsible, but I argue that the only thing rash about it is that we have so many physical and temporary barriers that prevent us from doing it. We are used to lifestyles of comfort, of security, low risk living coupled with mediocre reward. I'll admit that I get pretty well settled into that as well... But everytime I hit the trail I get that itch again. I get that nagging at the back of my head that says "just go for it! What's stopping you? What is really stopping you?" Sooner or later I'm gonna start listening to that voice. Sure, sure, might as well get college out of the way first, but once that's done...
"The best journeys answer questions that in the beginning you didn't even think to ask."
- Jeff Johnson
Friday, July 2, 2010
Indifferent
We're halfway through summer, and it's turned out to be pretty much what I expected: A myriad of drinking, certain herbal drugs, and watching way too many bad movies.
It's not like I'm trying to be above any of that: believe me, I'm not. I have no problem doing it, for the most part. We engage recreationally once in a while and at the end of the day everything is totally fine. We're in good health, young, and we've got the world ahead of us. The world and all of it's opportunities is at our disposal. But maybe that's the problem.
I've got two sides pulling at me. Part of me, the more balanced and perhaps sane side, is content with this wait. It knows that waiting is what we have to do sometimes. Soon enough I'll have schoolwork, internships, paid positions, marching band, and a million other programs that I'll be climbing my way to the top in. The other half of me doesn't quite agree with this. It's impatient. It's the side that drives me to compulsively compose 3 hours of music without stop, paying perfect attention to detail and striving for perfection. It's the side that hates all the drinking and hates all the fun nights we have, not because of health reasons or regretful decisions, but because of the opportunity cost of the lost time that comes with it. Could I be working towards a more efficient goal here? What else could I be doing with my summer? I'm split between a triathlon training program, 1.5 hours a day of trumpet practice, and a decent paying job, which by all means should be more than enough. It's not that I need to fill the physical void that time seems to leave throughout the summer. It's that I need to be moving. I'm moving horizontally instead of vertically; moving, just not in the right direction. Of course, I'm not moving in the wrong direction either. We're all just moving, letting ourselves become one with the fast fleeting days of summer and rolling in and out with tides of time. I guess that's why I'm so sick of it. I want challenge. I want to be able to sit back at the end of the day and say "well, I made the best out of this day, and look where I am not" and then simply smile and relax. That's what I'll never understand about myself. After all, who ever thought that the biggest inhibitor could be freedom itself?
It's not like I'm trying to be above any of that: believe me, I'm not. I have no problem doing it, for the most part. We engage recreationally once in a while and at the end of the day everything is totally fine. We're in good health, young, and we've got the world ahead of us. The world and all of it's opportunities is at our disposal. But maybe that's the problem.
I've got two sides pulling at me. Part of me, the more balanced and perhaps sane side, is content with this wait. It knows that waiting is what we have to do sometimes. Soon enough I'll have schoolwork, internships, paid positions, marching band, and a million other programs that I'll be climbing my way to the top in. The other half of me doesn't quite agree with this. It's impatient. It's the side that drives me to compulsively compose 3 hours of music without stop, paying perfect attention to detail and striving for perfection. It's the side that hates all the drinking and hates all the fun nights we have, not because of health reasons or regretful decisions, but because of the opportunity cost of the lost time that comes with it. Could I be working towards a more efficient goal here? What else could I be doing with my summer? I'm split between a triathlon training program, 1.5 hours a day of trumpet practice, and a decent paying job, which by all means should be more than enough. It's not that I need to fill the physical void that time seems to leave throughout the summer. It's that I need to be moving. I'm moving horizontally instead of vertically; moving, just not in the right direction. Of course, I'm not moving in the wrong direction either. We're all just moving, letting ourselves become one with the fast fleeting days of summer and rolling in and out with tides of time. I guess that's why I'm so sick of it. I want challenge. I want to be able to sit back at the end of the day and say "well, I made the best out of this day, and look where I am not" and then simply smile and relax. That's what I'll never understand about myself. After all, who ever thought that the biggest inhibitor could be freedom itself?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Here we go again...
It's been about a month since I finished my 90 day ordeal with Tony Horton. You know, this guy:
That's done. History. Time for the next level.
Trust me - I remember how bad things got when I was doing P90X. My eating habits got veryyyyyy unhealthy, and pretty much everything about me started to get out of wack. I know, I know. But this is going to be different. I'm in a much better place mentally right, and I'm really ready to do this. I've maintained 90% of the results I got with P90X in the month following it's closure, but I want to push myself further. I'm talking something like 6, 7 percent body fat. Something I've never even come CLOSE to in my life. This will hurt. This will suck. Hell, I'll probably end up puking a few times. But that's what it takes, and I couldn't be more excited.
See you in 60 days...
- Connor
That's done. History. Time for the next level.
Trust me - I remember how bad things got when I was doing P90X. My eating habits got veryyyyyy unhealthy, and pretty much everything about me started to get out of wack. I know, I know. But this is going to be different. I'm in a much better place mentally right, and I'm really ready to do this. I've maintained 90% of the results I got with P90X in the month following it's closure, but I want to push myself further. I'm talking something like 6, 7 percent body fat. Something I've never even come CLOSE to in my life. This will hurt. This will suck. Hell, I'll probably end up puking a few times. But that's what it takes, and I couldn't be more excited.
See you in 60 days...
- Connor
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